Rabbit Rabbit everyone!
Well, this garsh-darn windy-grey-ugly winter is REALLY getting me down. Cold i can usually deal with. But grey day after grey day after grey day after grey day .... And everyone seems to agree that this is the windiest winter anyone can remember.
On the homefront, things are about the same. I'm getting fed up being housemate of undear ol' not-ex-husband. Almost no use talking to him about his behavior because i just get psycho-babble back. NOT that his behavior is awful, but the "vibes" and moodiness he emits just gets to me. i try to not let it bother me, but day in and day out. So i try to minimize contact, but it ain't easy sometimes.
i look forward to living on my own. Last December, after staying w/ Dad for ten days while Mom was away, i realized what a relief it was to be out of my own house. i told DH that i would acquiesce to his desire for me to move out (i was staying for financial reasons and because it's still the home our daughters come home to). He then said that it wasn't fair of him to ask me to leave.
At first i thought very well of him for this. Then i realized that our Girls would be home soon for winter break from college. He was, i thought, avoiding to have to explain why i wasn't living at home.
Well, okay. It would have made for a horrible month home for them. i can deal with that.
DH was pretty good during their time home. He wasn't emitting moodiness, etc (he spent alot of time upstairs in his room...) But it was a strain on him by the end of the month. i could tell.
So, a couple of weeks ago i realized that the combination of this horrible grey depressing winter and living under the same roof as DH was a strain that i would rather not have. So i told him that i would move out - that it would take months for me to get my shit together, but that i had gotten a few tubs, would rent storage space and start the process.
i told him that he would/could/should keep the house for the Girls to have a home to come to. THEN he said that he didn't think that he would be able to keep the house with just his salary, so if i left, there wouldn't be a house for the Girls to come home to.
WOW what a guilt trip. i hadn't even said anything about the financial part of me leaving. Hadn't even worked that out in my own head yet. But clearly DH had been thinking beforehand.
i have felt manipulated for years. Clearly this is not just a feeling, but a fact.
i know, i know. i just have to wait for a few years, until our Girls finish college ... But i'm not sure that i can stand it that long...