just wait, it's coming! dddragon presents: Is Anything Truly Random?

Monday, March 01, 2010

Rabbit Rabbit

Rabbit Rabbit everyone!

Well, this garsh-darn windy-grey-ugly winter is REALLY getting me down. Cold i can usually deal with. But grey day after grey day after grey day after grey day .... And everyone seems to agree that this is the windiest winter anyone can remember.


On the homefront, things are about the same. I'm getting fed up being housemate of undear ol' not-ex-husband. Almost no use talking to him about his behavior because i just get psycho-babble back. NOT that his behavior is awful, but the "vibes" and moodiness he emits just gets to me. i try to not let it bother me, but day in and day out. So i try to minimize contact, but it ain't easy sometimes.

i look forward to living on my own. Last December, after staying w/ Dad for ten days while Mom was away, i realized what a relief it was to be out of my own house. i told DH that i would acquiesce to his desire for me to move out (i was staying for financial reasons and because it's still the home our daughters come home to). He then said that it wasn't fair of him to ask me to leave.

At first i thought very well of him for this. Then i realized that our Girls would be home soon for winter break from college. He was, i thought, avoiding to have to explain why i wasn't living at home.

Well, okay. It would have made for a horrible month home for them. i can deal with that.

DH was pretty good during their time home. He wasn't emitting moodiness, etc (he spent alot of time upstairs in his room...) But it was a strain on him by the end of the month. i could tell.

So, a couple of weeks ago i realized that the combination of this horrible grey depressing winter and living under the same roof as DH was a strain that i would rather not have. So i told him that i would move out - that it would take months for me to get my shit together, but that i had gotten a few tubs, would rent storage space and start the process.

i told him that he would/could/should keep the house for the Girls to have a home to come to. THEN he said that he didn't think that he would be able to keep the house with just his salary, so if i left, there wouldn't be a house for the Girls to come home to.

WOW what a guilt trip. i hadn't even said anything about the financial part of me leaving. Hadn't even worked that out in my own head yet. But clearly DH had been thinking beforehand.

i have felt manipulated for years. Clearly this is not just a feeling, but a fact.

i know, i know. i just have to wait for a few years, until our Girls finish college ... But i'm not sure that i can stand it that long...


At 10:08 AM, Blogger Doug said...

Rabbit rabbit, first.

For whatever it's worth,, my parents divorced when Andy and I were in High School and Jenna was in Jr. High (and MacLean unborn.) Two things about that- first, if you haven't, you both need to accept that you can't divorce without the girls experiencing some change. That's part of the deal, parents divorce, kids' lives change. Finishing college first or not doesn't seem relevant to me. Second, it isn't death. Dad got a two bedroom apartment with the second room set aside for 1-3 kids and mom rented a small house. We dealt with the new digs. It's not like the girls won't have a home to come back to. They just have two small ones instead of one big one.

Third, how are the girls? Please pass along my regards.

At 6:41 PM, Blogger Doug said...

Oh, yeah. I meant to suggest making this a private blog.

At 6:51 PM, Blogger AP3 said...

Ugh-o. Not fun. But Doug is right... not everyone has the luxury that we have had, of our parents staying married, and living in the house we (most of the time) grew up in. Mada and Aved lived with mom and a stepdyke and visited their dad in his apartment. They were quite young... it happens. (((DDD)))

At 6:59 PM, Blogger actonbell said...

{{DDD}} I don't think you should wait until the girls are out of college, that's too long to be feeling this way, day in, day out. It could do serious damage to your health.

At 9:33 PM, Blogger dddragon said...

Thx, gang. Yeah, even tho' the Girls might be really pissed at me, i don't think that i can go on this way for long.


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