Pain

Pain comes in many forms.

Physically, I'm in a lot of pain and discomfort because of degenerated disk disease. Two disks in the lumbar region that are nearly flattened to nothing, leaving my left leg weak, lacking mobility and painful. I can hardly wait for surgery (April 16). I know that there will be pain from that, too, and physical challenges. But I can't go on this way forever.

My emotional and mental struggles have subsided a little, but only because pain and chronic fatigue have taken over. I am mentally and emotionally weak right now and have succumbed quickly to tears and despair when criticized or "attacked."

There is also the pain of watching, helplessly, while Dad's health deteriorates and Mom's caretaker-burnout gets worse. If only i was healthier myself so that i could be of help instead of a burden.

Time passes

very quickly. i've said many times that i feel like i live in a time warp. Or that i don't have a sense of time. At all.

Didn't realize that it had been more than year since i blogged. i kinda miss blogging, but doubt that i'd be doing much of it, even if facebook hadn't taken over the world.

i don't have much energy. Depression wears me out. It's all i can do to get myself to work (and once i couldn't do that, either - slept right thru my two alarms).

Rabbit Rabbit

Hope everyone has a Hoppy April!

Grrr-r-i-p-p-i-n-g

I discovered a few days ago that HE closed our business account and changed the business website. Without telling me first. Sure, he gave me a check for half of the funds left in the account, which wasn't much, anyway.

He didn't remove my webpages, but the homepage with the links to them is gone, so how would anyone find me (not that I'm looking to be found, mind you). He directs people to where HIS photos can be found, but only gave my email address.

When I confronted him, He told me that he HAD to close the business, that he was only following IRS guidelines. I reminded him that last year he didn't know what he wanted to do with the business. He countered with "since our marriage ended in May...". Good GRIEF! The IRS doesn't know about it, and they would point out that we still live in the same house and have joint accounts. He just repeated himself.

When I pointed out that the business homepage only pointed to his info, he said that he hadn't removed my pages. I said that the homepage used to have links to the different pages on the site, and w/o the links, what was the use of having them there at all? He apologized for not thinking about that.

When I asked him if I had done all that if he would have been upset, he said he would not have. I could see that he wasn't to see it my way, or admit to it. I didn't bother letting him know that I had put this question to others and they said that they would have been upset, too.

While I was at it, I let him know that I was upset about what he had said about there not being a house for the Girls to come home to (see below)...

Guess what? He said that I took it the wrong way! EXXXxxx-cuuuussse me?! If you tell someone that if they move out then you won't be able to afford the house on your own salary alone and that the Girls wouldn't have a home to come home to, then just WHAT are you trying to say?! And he's full of bullshit, anyway. He clears enough to afford it, even with a new mortgage.

okay. Done complaining. For the moment.
btw, if a blogger-friend lets you guys know that they can't get to my blog, let me know. I sent out invites to a small number of youse. I can add those who are interested.

Rabbit Rabbit

Rabbit Rabbit everyone!

Well, this garsh-darn windy-grey-ugly winter is REALLY getting me down. Cold i can usually deal with. But grey day after grey day after grey day after grey day .... And everyone seems to agree that this is the windiest winter anyone can remember.

GRRRrrrrr

On the homefront, things are about the same. I'm getting fed up being housemate of undear ol' not-ex-husband. Almost no use talking to him about his behavior because i just get psycho-babble back. NOT that his behavior is awful, but the "vibes" and moodiness he emits just gets to me. i try to not let it bother me, but day in and day out. So i try to minimize contact, but it ain't easy sometimes.

i look forward to living on my own. Last December, after staying w/ Dad for ten days while Mom was away, i realized what a relief it was to be out of my own house. i told DH that i would acquiesce to his desire for me to move out (i was staying for financial reasons and because it's still the home our daughters come home to). He then said that it wasn't fair of him to ask me to leave.

At first i thought very well of him for this. Then i realized that our Girls would be home soon for winter break from college. He was, i thought, avoiding to have to explain why i wasn't living at home.

Well, okay. It would have made for a horrible month home for them. i can deal with that.

DH was pretty good during their time home. He wasn't emitting moodiness, etc (he spent alot of time upstairs in his room...) But it was a strain on him by the end of the month. i could tell.

So, a couple of weeks ago i realized that the combination of this horrible grey depressing winter and living under the same roof as DH was a strain that i would rather not have. So i told him that i would move out - that it would take months for me to get my shit together, but that i had gotten a few tubs, would rent storage space and start the process.

i told him that he would/could/should keep the house for the Girls to have a home to come to. THEN he said that he didn't think that he would be able to keep the house with just his salary, so if i left, there wouldn't be a house for the Girls to come home to.

WOW what a guilt trip. i hadn't even said anything about the financial part of me leaving. Hadn't even worked that out in my own head yet. But clearly DH had been thinking beforehand.

i have felt manipulated for years. Clearly this is not just a feeling, but a fact.

i know, i know. i just have to wait for a few years, until our Girls finish college ... But i'm not sure that i can stand it that long...

Okay, we got SNOW

Yup, we got about 20 inches.

It's a-Coming

We're supposed to get a big snowstorm tomorrow. Estimates range from 7 to 18 inches. We'll probably not get much. ha ha.

Anyway, having ANY amount of snow in the weather forecast results with a rush to the grocery stores to get milk and bread.

My question is - why do people wait until a snowfall to want french toast?

But seriously, folks, this is Pennsylvania. Snow does fall here. Why all the panic? Even when we last had a real blizzard in 1994 and 1996, we were able to get out and around (if you wanted to) within a few hours. And that was without the town plow coming to our street. This was everyone who was able to pitching in to get everyone dug out. At that time all the old folk on my block seemed to have a snowblower, even if they were to frail to get out and actually use one. So the younger folk just borrowed 'em and got all the sidewalks and driveways cleared.

G r r r r

We got a couple of inches of snow overnight. No big deal.

However . . .

I had come to the realization yesterday (or it had finally dawned on me) that my UO was only doing his own laundry. I've been washing - and will continue - whatever is in the hampers in the basement.

This morning I see that UO shoveled the front walkway around to the side and cleared the deck outside the kitchen door, the sidewalk and the driveway behind my van. Of course he would've cleared his car in order to get to work. But he left my van untouched.

wow. what an @$$

Rabbit Rabbit for February

Time is still fleeting along.

I'm still a housemate of Unsignificant Other. This damn too-cold-too-windy-uglygrey-winter is really getting me down. And almost everyone I know, too,, even those that LIKE winter.

UO almost acted normal while our Girls were home for winter break (btw, they both got straight A's for their first semester!!). However, he did retreat to his room more and more as the days progressed. Now that they're back at school, he mostly only speaks to me when absolutely necessary. Seems to only do his own laundry (I wash whatever is in the hampers in the basement). In the beginning of our in-house separation, he would make enough food for two for dinner (he gets home first); then he started going straight to the YMCA from work w/o telling me. Or elsewhere, I'm not sure and I don't care. However, months ago he had made a point of telling me that I should let him know if I wouldn't be home to feed Salem - and he doesn't do it himself!

More imporatantly, I'm bugged by the bad vibes, the wierd faces, tones, etc. I'm relieved that I don't have the burden of the marriage anymore, but this ain't fun, either.

Rabbit Rabbit

I hope that 2010 proves to be a happy, healthful and peaceful year for everyone.

I haven't been posting much, but y'all have been on my mind. I guess that I've not done much here because of what's been going on with my life ... Since my Girls don't blog anymore (they're on Facebook, along with lots of their friends), I guess it's pretty safe to post almost anything on my mind.

ALMOST. I'm not going to go into detail, but I will share this with you, my blogging friends and family: my spouse of 24 years and I are calling it quits.

More accurately, I finally said that I was done. I'd been asking for years for him to go to counseling, which he refused (ironically, now he goes frequently). After years of depression that just got worse and worse, I came to realize that I just couldn't go on with this marriage.

Our Girls aren't happy, naturally. But they weren't especially surprised. They're now freshman in college (oh, where did the years fly off to?) at a university three hours away. They're doing very well - they both got straight A's their first semester.

So, for now Husband and I are still living in the same ol' house. Upstairs/Downstairs housemates. Doing this for the Girls, keeping the house for them to come home to. We'll see how long this can last.

Not sure what I'll do once the divorce is finalized. I have long had a longing to go back west, to where there are real mountains. Don't get me wrong, Pennsylvania is beautiful and has been a good place to live. But I'm just ready to go, go, go west. I'm thinking southern Colorado or northern New Mexico or Arizona, but haven't made any decisions.

So, that's my news. Hope you all are doing well.
later,
ddd

Rabbit Rabbit

Can't believe that this year is almost over ... I feel like I'm in a time warp sometimes!

Yesterday was Mom's birthday, and I drove her and her friend Leah to the AAA bus that took them to a cruise ship -- their first cruise. Mom was SO nervous, was almost afraid that something would keep her from getting to the ship.

I'm staying at the old homestead to keep an eye on my Dad. Just to keep him out of trouble, eh?

Rabbit Rabbit (can't post more from iTouch)

Rabbit Rabbit

Well, how time flies! And it's time again to say ...

Rabbit Rabbit!!

Rabbit Rabbit

I hope that everyone has a lucky September!

(I could use some.)